Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leave
you alone:
- "So, what are you wearing?"
- Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
- "You'll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire."
- "I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use
it for business."
- Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.
- "Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all
day with a telephone receiver next to your head?"
- When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment," and give the phone to your
six-year old child to carry on the conversation.
- Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly
inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?"
- "I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer
would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this solar phase."
- "This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't
a recording."
Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy
and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want
to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my
sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue
your problems.
3. If they say they're Joe Doe fro the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell
their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions
or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!!
Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as
she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
5. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no,
and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and
Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how
about goat blood or HUMAN blood.
8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "Thats fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them
to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone thats a complete
stranger.
9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer:
"This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer:
"Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy
against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
10. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer,
set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their
phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, Then ask them for their home
number and tell them you will call them at home. (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)
Some Ideas To Get Rid Of Telemarketers
First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear youre wearing.
Im sorry, but Im really busy right now. Give me your home number and Ill call you back later tonight.
Shhh. Wait a minute. Im here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?
When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: Yes, but I never allow her (him) to talk to strangers.
When someone asks how you are: Well, Im having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain....
You want to sell me insurance? Ive been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!
To someone hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper: Do you get goats blood out? How about identifiable fibers and that
DNA stuff?
To a phone company solicitor: That sounds great! Wait, can you hold for a minute? (Leave the phone off the hook
until he or she hangs up).
When a chimney sweep or rug cleaner calls, break into tears and sob, Is this some kind of a joke? My house burned down
last night. We lost everything!
Learn show tunes. Anything by Ethel Merman tends to be the most effective.
10) Pretend you don't speak English.
9) Say "Hold on," then scream to a nonexistent person: "If you try to take the
knife out, it'll just hurt worse!"
8) Burst into tears when money is mentioned.
7) Ask if the deal is good for all
your personalities.
6) Tell them you'll accept their offer if they can guess the color of your underwear.
5) Repeat
everything they say in the form of a question.
4) As soon as they identify themselves, say, "You guys are still in business?
Well, I guess the bomb has another 30 seconds."
3) Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical
distance.
2) Mutter: "Aww, damn. Not another one. The last Jehovah's Witness almost got me the death penalty."
1)
HANG UP THE PHONE!
SOLICITOR ACTION!
10) Pretend you don't speak English.
9) Say "Hold on," then scream to a nonexistent person: "If you try to take
the knife out, it'll just hurt worse!"
8) Burst into tears when money is mentioned.
7) Ask if the deal is
good for all your personalities.
6) Tell them you'll accept their offer if they can guess your color of underwear.
5) Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.
4) As soon as they identify themselves, say, "You
guys are still in business? Well, I guess the bomb has another 30 seconds."
3) Tell them the restraining order applies
to phone calls as well as physical distance.
2) Mutter: "Aww, damn. Not another one. The last Jehovah's Witness almost
got me the death penalty."
1) HANG UP THE DARN PHONE!
